Hard few days on Cytarabine

The last few days have felt very long.

Betsie has been taking Cytarabine, and although we knew there could be side effects, actually watching her go through them is something else entirely. The evenings have been the hardest. She’s been so sick, and each time it happens it feels more upsetting than the last.

Yesterday evening was particularly rough. Betsie suddenly got sick all over the kitchen floor. It happened so quickly, and it really distressed her. She didn’t understand what was happening to her, and seeing that confusion and fear in her eyes was heartbreaking. We cleaned everything up and tried to comfort her, but the whole moment just stayed with me.

Watching someone you love be sick like that is incredibly hard. There’s a helplessness that comes with it — knowing the medication is supposed to be helping her, supposed to be fighting the illness, yet the thing that’s meant to help is also making her feel so awful.

I think that’s the part I’m struggling with the most at the moment. Seeing her so poorly because of something that’s meant to make her better. It feels unfair, and it’s really difficult to watch.

The days have been tiring and emotionally heavy. When evening comes around now there’s always that bit of dread, wondering if she’s going to feel sick again and how bad it might be. All we can really do is stay close to her, keep her comfortable, and remind her that she’s safe and loved.

Betsie is incredibly brave, even on the hardest days. Right now we’re just taking things one evening at a time and hoping the next one might be a little easier.